Is it too much?
I am tired, exhausted even. Not being able to get a proper night rest for the last four years is taking its toll. Something has got to give. I want a lot. Being me, being a wife, being a mom, being a homeschoolmom, being a friend, building a webshop (more about this later), doing courses I like to do, being a photographer, writing a book, give courses in photography and babywearing, being socially active and organize homeschool outings/events… And this all without support system.
I already stopped going to parkdays and try to take it easy. This year I started using a planner, a small home/unschool planning where there is time reserved for me as well. And just enjoy the kids. Life is short and the period the boys are this small goes by quickly. I’d like to enjoy it.
Sometimes it feels like time is passing by and I am on this train that continues to ride. Things are happening outside and I am consumed with every day life. I cannot see what is happening outside and it feels like I am missing out on that outside life. I can barely cope with every day life. This train ride IS my life and I want to make it work. I want to be a gentle mom for my kids. And when I am tired, that is the first thing that tends to go. I am trying so hard to be patient when the boys are getting into mischief. I sit down on my knees, observe what is happening and try not to interfere. I hope that by being present, the boys make conscience decisions. And I hope for something else, that their solutions pleases me. However, I don’t feel the latter is that important. I don’t want the boys make decisions based on what they think pleases me, I want them to be able to make their own choices. When they solve their problems together and they are all satisfied, I am okay with that. Sometimes that means they’re running inside, because wanting to fight (not argue) each other or chase each other are both outings of the same energy. Playing together and burn energy. I might not like it that they are running inside, but do I really have a problem with it? I guess not.
Boys are boys and in the 6,5 years I have been a mom to boys I know they have a lot of energy. A friend of mine pointed out that boys need to use their whole body to learn. The mind can be tired of what they have learned, but when the body is not tired, the boys are filled up with energy. And they become annoying to their environment. Especially in an environment where boys can’t be boys, this could be a problem. So I am okay with them running around inside.
Boys need to use their whole body to learn.
Another friend of mine, who isn’t a mom, made a comment once which was very helpful. Only make a point of something if it really matters to you and you are willing to follow through. Which means that when you say no, it is a real, firm no. And not a no that can turn into a yes. Why bother saying no if you end up saying yes, than you can say yes straight away. This comment have saved me a lot of energy during the years.
Why bother saying no if you end up saying yes, than you can say yes straight away.
To make it easier for myself I think before I say no. Is this really important to me? Which needs lay behind there request? Is there another way we could all have our needs met? The result is that I hardly say no, unless it has to do with safety and even then we talk about it.
Old me, New me
Every day is a new day and every day again I am trying to be who I want to be. 8 Weeks after Midiman was born, he and I were rear-ended. It still bothers me, not only physically but also emotionally. As a result of the rear-ending, I have a couple of herniated discs in my neck, my ears hurt all the time (oh no, all those sounds) and I have headaches. It is tough. Emotionally is even tougher. Were did that gentle, patient mom go? I miss her. I have to deal with my tiredness, irritation and lack of focus. Not only I have to deal with that, the boys have to deal with it too. It makes me feel powerless, guilty and sometimes I feel sad about it. Why me? Midiman would add: “Boo-hoo.” I give myself time to grieve for the things I want and the things I feel I am missing. I cry and that is okay. I can let go of the tension that has been building up in my body. I want to be there, for myself, for my boys. Life is short and I love living my life and I want to enjoy my life.
I gained something too from the rear-ending. I didn’t feel a connection before with Midiman (a postpartum depression perhaps). I was taking care of him, carried him, fed him, did all the things you are supposed to do. But he could have been anyone’s baby. But after the rear-ending that little human being was my baby. When we were hit the first thing I did was get out of the car and check on Midiman. I didn’t even noticed how I was feeling, all that mattered was him being okay and safe.
It feels like I am on this journey to become the person I used to be and want to be again.
Going back to the feeling of wanting a lot. I cannot help but thinking that I am afraid of missing opportunities. Growing up there was a saying in Dutch about “missing the boat”. For me it always felt like you had to hurry, to do what you wanted and preferably started with it yesterday, before it is too late. And while I am writing this it makes me wonder. I want to live my life, enjoy it, be happy, have happy kids, have a happy husband. If I am able to accomplish that and wait with all the material stuff (referring to money makers like giving courses, selling photo work etc), do I consider myself a failure? I guess not.
Life is short and the period the boys are this small goes by quickly. I’d like to enjoy it.
I am an entrepreneur (something that runs in the family, my mom, my dad, my brother, my cousins, all entrepreneurs) and the things I want to do, will still be there when I have more energy. The kids however, they are changing every day. I don’t want to miss that. For me it feels important to have my choices clear, I can make sense of how I am feeling and what is going on inside. Maximan told me he wants to do the webshop together, he would like to order the inventory. And I’ve started to write a short story for children, which I am reading to my boys. It feels good to get rid of pressure of having to perform.
I feel lucky to be in the position where I can choose. It would be great to have some extra income. But for now… it has to wait until I feel I have more energy. Loosing myself over extra income is not worth it. I guess I value me and my family more. Again I am lucky that I have this choice, that my husband has a job and I can stay home with the kids and provide in their education.
For now… just breath Mama and be!